Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Growing up. 11:01 AM

Growing up. What it means: no longer being able to rely on your parents. Starting to carve out a career for yourself. And most importantly, starting a family of your own. Which of these am I doing?

As more and more of my close friends are getting engaged and married, I start thinking a lot. Is my partner the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is he who he used to be? Will he be the same person I knew 2 years ago? It is getting more and more confusing. When everything is smooth sailing, the relationship between 2 people is always good and sweet. The true test comes when we reach crossroads in our lives. When we meet with major life changes. Like the transition from student to joining the workforce. From staying beside each other to going long distance. When we are faced with career choices to make. When it may compromise the relationship. What do we do.

If he picks his career over you, does it mean he cares less? Should you wait? What about if at this time, we find that we each have very different priorities? When we were students, all we could see were our similarities. When we make the transition after graduation, the differences start to come out. It does not help that his career path is not smooth-sailing at the moment, thanks to the current economy. It also does not help that our differences keep increasing, and past ghosts we have chosen to ignore come out to haunt us now. Mistakes were made, promises broken. How long can we hold out? I don't know. Frankly. I don't even know if I want to hold out. He is not the person I used to know.

Also, there's my career. There are people who are contented with being a tai tai. There are people who are contented with a scholarship and an iron rice bowl thereafter. There are people who can achieve great things. There are people who will backstab others just to achieve great things. For some strange reason, I am a person who never wanted to achieve great things. I know what I want in life, I want to do research, to help people. That's all I wanted. I will be contented if I can do that. I am doing a PhD only because I know without a PhD I can never do much in research.

But by some weird stroke of luck, I ended up doing my PhD in a top college in the US. By some weird chance I was exposed to a lot of dirty politics that made me sick to the core. And all of a sudden, I found drive. Some deep carnal feelings stirred in me. I felt a rage I have never felt before. I wanted to stop all this. I wanted to make a difference. All of a sudden, I didn't feel like I was a mediocre person any more. I felt like I could make a difference. If I worked hard. I wanted to be a person people will look up to. I wanted to be a person any agency feel will be a bonus to them if they employed me. I wanted to work my way up to the top so I can change things. I have even thought about the changes I will implement. The fools at the top, they will never see the talent that is being buried under them, wasting away. While they fawn over 'foreign talent' long past their expiry dates. I need to change that. I felt like I owed the people I know to give them what they deserve. They are geniuses, all of them. Unrecognized geniuses that the agency has put in so much to groom and then put to waste. So angry. So indignant for them. I needed to change that.

I don't know why I have changed so much. From just being interested in research, in helping people, I have become interested in management, in politics. Politics! I used to shun the very word. I entered the world of research partially to avoid politics. Yet now I sharpen my senses observing people around me, just to learn how people think, to understand human nature, to pick up PR skills, and also management skills.

I know that if I were who I am a few years ago, I would have been sickened by who I have become today. I would never have thought I would become like this. Who can I blame, if my relationship would fail. He is not the only one who has changed. So have I. I remember a conversation we were having. I wanted kids, many kids, and I wanted to get married early. Yet I never thought about how I was going to juggle my career and family. He wanted to focus on his career. I told him how envious I was of friends who were already starting to carve their niche in their careers. While I was still being a student. He felt bad, because he felt he was not even as capable as I was, even though I beg to differ. As we grow up, more and more things are starting to come between us. Even the pace of our career paths. Our plans for the future differ. But it seems like he is clear on what he wants. At least for now. I am the one confused.

I wish the fog would clear, there will be some guidance as to what I should do.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

LASIK 8:58 AM

Okay.. went for Weijie's commencement today. Crazy. Gotten sick of how I look with glasses on. Gonna try ditching them. Going for a Lasik evaluation tomorrow. Muahaha if all goes well. I will have purrrrfect vision once again!!! Back to when I was 8 years old!

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Flu That Shall Not Be Named 12:21 AM

I was just whining yesterday about how all my friends cancelled lunch and dinner plans on me the last minute after I told them I felt feverish etc etc. So sad so hurt. Not just 1 but at least 3 different people separately cancelled on me. SIGH! Suddenly everyone has babies and old people at home. Even those who are not married yet. Ahahaha.

So today I made up my mind to go see the doctor and get well soon so I can go out more. And I picked a doctor I know is really good at what he does and is not overly paranoid. Because I am terrified of being sent to TTSH or Aloha or whatever to spend a week alone.

Despite me thinking that to the best of my knowledge, I have no cough, only watery nose and eyes and maybe slightly light-headed annd giddy, the doctor measured my temp and determined that a fever is setting in ahahaha so exciting! Then he took down my particulars and what flight I came in on (of cos I don't remember, so I told him Northwest airline thats all I remember). Then he started chitchatting and asking me what I was doing in the US and stuff. LOL totally not scared of me. And contrary to what I used to think, my grandma actually told me he remembers who I am and who my grandma is. Cos there was once I brought my grandma there to see him. LOL. And I was also the totally bo chup kind. But I thought maybe I should be socially conscious and asked him if I should quarantine myself or call 955 or whatever or go TTSH or not. And he was like, AIYA the govt is too paranoid la. Just let everyone get the flu and the population will get immunity and be protected. Don't worry about it. Heehee. He don't even know if its H1N1 (swine flu) but he said its fine just go home and he gave me flu and fever meds and now I am resting at home wahaha.

Of cos being socially conscious, I cancelled my plans for tonight, maybe should also cancel my plans for tomorrow and Sunday. When I sms-ed yp telling her tonight probably should be postponed cos I was diagnosed with the flu, she replied, "Surely, you do not have the flu that shall not be named?!" AHAHAHA I duno what strain I got. But I'm surely feeling fit as a bull right now. So don't worry I will get well soon and meet u guys!

Welcome to the blog of 武林盟主. In this space of hers, she is entitled to and responsible for her own thoughts and comments. You are welcome to give your few cents worth in the tag, but do not force her to accept your thoughts should they differ from hers. If everyone thinks the same way we would all be robots no?

武林盟主 is this pugilistic genius everyone calls a deranged lunatic. But that's cos they haven't witnessed her great powers yet! She can be regarded as the best product coming from the Pugislistic World in the past 100 years, and 武當, 少林 and 峨嵋 are scrambling to get her to be their 掌门人. She likes think of herself as the next 杨过, 郭靖 or 张无忌.

武林盟主 also has this slightly straight slightly crooked sexuality. At times when the Estrogen triumphs, she preys on hot guys. Other times when the Testosterone levels peak, she preys on hot girls. Some say that is a side effect of the 葵花宝典. Her doctors are still working to establish that.

Many say she's invincible. But that's not true. Bring a DURIAN in front of her, and she will ditch her sword and raise the white flag. She's still desperately trying to master the 闭气功 so she can overcome this weakness.

She now resides in a tiny little room in a tiny little building in a tiny little university/hospital in the tiny little city of Baltimore, studying her tiny little life away in the hopes of getting some Permanent Head Damage. If you feel you can communicate at her level and wish for her to be your soulmate, feel free send her a note of pugilistic admiration and alliance!